My Dream Life is Complicated | Day 2/30

A story is told of how it feels impossible to see your way in when you only have a handful of things in order and allegedly the wrong pitch for the right tools and community.  Welcome to my dream life.

When I’m not trying to give meaning to the complexities my life holds, I am a self-help junkie at heart with an unwavering belief of self. I may stitch up personal growth buzzwords straight into your soul when you’re going through it.

I motivate myself with accessible resources every so often and search deep within myself when it’s less flowery. I may plan out daily goals against life goals just the way Brian Tracy offers. I am aware of the power of speaking wishes into existence, dreaming up life and chasing it through hard work.

And yet…

I have no ability left to keep my head in the game as much as possible or dream up life beyond arm’s reach.

The digital vision board which stares at me every time I unlock my phone screen serves a reminder of how I have created meaningful visions short term.

I actualize some of my visions, as I should. But is it enough long term to master my realities?

I used to be so good at living the limitless dream – on paper. My late childhood going into early adulthood was occupied with descriptive dreams that were crushed at every possible chance. Excluding the ones with my parents at their finest, infinite money was a common denominator. It bought me all the happiness and power I would obsess over.

I  would schedule time off to daydream about the good life I was yet to have until I sleep it off. A day without getting myself closer and closer would be an anticlimax to a life well imagined.

A few years ago, my partner and I would daydream for days on what we would do with USD 900 million that somebody had won from a Jackpot in the US. Talk about living our best lives on borrowed dreams. In the early stages, we would worry about the cash running out if we splurged on larger than life amenities. This dream team would then go back on their word because what it is money?

Before we realized we were getting nowhere with all the planning, we could only account for 1/3 of it.  We made huge investments and donations, woke up in different cities for the rest of our lives, bankrolled a national budget for years. Yet we still had more than a large sum and fewer ideas on how to spend. No KRA taxes were ever whispered. It was silly.

Life evolves with your thoughts. You become aware that it’s never about the money, always the experience. The freedom to tap into endless opportunities and connections that birth an experience you yearn to live for. Keeping you contented and fulfilled at life.

Perhaps you now see things differently because age is at your heels and suddenly everything feels timed. Everything needs time that you assume are running out of. Perhaps you position motherhood on a different level with all your priorities shifting towards giving the utmost care to the one person you want to be around, in tantrums and in joy.

Perhaps you lose yourself adulting with a view from the top and before you know it, it’s another decade gone. You are still living in close confinement of your own victimhood and definitely farther away from your wildest boldest dreams.

Perhaps your quintessential dream now is to have it easy to add (value) to life comfortably and successfully but it’s complicated. I bet you would wear it with so much grace.